Yes, we've updated it

Yes, we’ve updated it

For those very few left in Britain’s once mighty neo-nazi party, the British National Party (BNP), this month throws up a rare treat: A leadership election.

Last July the party dispensed with the services of one Nicholas “Nick” Griffin, a man who bought more beans and climbed more beanstalks than silly old Jack. Griffin was replaced by one Adam “Adumb” Walker, a man who has chased after more teenagers on bicycles than any other teacher in the history of British politics.

The dwindling BNP didn’t bother with voting Griffin out, they just threatened to cut off his expenses. He got the message and fled to Brussels, Berlin, Madrid, Damascus and St Petersburg with a begging bowl. He’s still begging, in fact.

The challenger, the man who wants what Adam Walker now has, is Derby’s Paul Hilliard. No sooner had Hilliard made the decision to stand for election he started bleating on endlessly about the behaviour of Clive Walker, the man who made Adam Walker king.

Hilliard: Wasting his time

Hilliard: Wasting his time

Yes, because without Clive Jefferson, there would be no Adam Walker (or a pile of chopped wood in the BNP’s old European office.) This election is really about Clive Jefferson, and he knows it.

Before assuming ownership of the BNP and all of its dead members and supporters, Jefferson was something of a main face around Cumbria. Jefferson used to be known at Clive Aitken, but he probably changed his name because there is somewhat of a rascal by the same name involved in all kinds of alleged activities in Cumbria.

Jefferson has been so stung by the criticism Hilliard and his few supporters have begun throwing at him, that he’ll be probably relieved that someone somewhere is hacking the emails and social media accounts of BNP members and highlighting all kinds of anti-party activity and gossip.

Guess who?

Guess who?

As well as expulsions from the party, members are also waking up to notices that they have been placed on “probation” which excludes them from voting.

There’s bound to be an investigation of sorts, soon, into the activities at the BNP’s head office in Wigton, Cumbria. It may start with the mobile phone accounts of party employees and may end with the police visiting whoever it is that works for a mobile phone company cloning Sim cards and providing other confidential information to the BNP. In fact, it will.

For other information sadly lacking from this election (mainly because Hilliard is too gormless to do so,) some BNP members should check with Companies House as to just how many companies are being formed and dissolved of late. One important company that has been formed is probably very useful in helping Clive with his “independent” verifications when being made executor on a number of wills of members and supporters that he is named on.

Hilliard seems more concerned that the party website put his written election address up as a news item and then sunk it under a barrage of other news, while at the same time, embedding the video address of Adam Walker into the website.

If Hilliard could only have made himself a video address, more and more people would know that being captain of his pub’s pool team is one of the many qualities that have primed him to be the BNP’s new leader. And also having built the garden wall of a bloke who starred in two episodes of Grange Hill in the 1980’s.

So, for the 148 people who have a genuine vote in the BNP’s leadership election and not the 447 people added on to family memberships in the last month, here is an independent run through on the talent fighting it out to lead the British National Party.

Team Walker

Team Walker

Name: Adam Walker

Politics: Not really sure. He does not like the Jew baiting thing, though. He was once given a book on Jewish conspiracies to which he proudly replied “I’m not reading that. It’ll take ages.” He is the sort of gormless wit that the BNP wanted to represent them while things were going well. Adam’s decision to chase after kids one night with a knife came at about the same time the BNP went headfirst into the dustbin.

Political History: Was once a promising organiser in the party. He was then put on the party’s European staff-as was his brother, but once his brother got the sack, Adam came out in sympathy and began the second longest sulk in British political history. So long was the sulk, that as party manager he refused to leave the house unless he was paid up-front to do so. The BNP pretty much died in Yorkshire as a result of his laziness. Managed to lose over 10% of the vote the party previously held in Rotherham.

Interests: Other than chasing after kids while wielding a knife, it’s money and uniforms. Thankfully his wife recently came into a few bob. He has his own uniform from his time in the army. Surely you’ve seen him dressing up in it or heard him mention it? Adam needs this job because he’s got bugger all chance of getting a job doing anything else.

Supporters: None, really. He stabbed Pete Molloy in the back, probably because Clive made him do it. Oh yes, Patrick Harrington, too. With friends like that..

Do Ask: “Tell us about your time in the army..”

Don’t Ask: “So, why is your brother, like you, banned from teaching?”

Hilliard: Talent to burn

Hilliard: Talent to burn

Name: Paul Hilliard

Politics: Once got to visit some other fascists [Roberto Fiore] with Nick Griffin. Has also received an endorsement from a tiny Polish fascist party which he seems very proud of. And of course, the bloke from Grange Hill. He also likes flags. He’s promising that if elected, the BNP will have more flags. But no members, obviously.

Political History: Proudly claims he has been a “nationalist” for ten years. In our experience, that is BNP talk for nazi. Could be wrong. Rarely am. He used to run a blog. Then he got arrested and the blog stopped. Not sure if the two are connected.

Interests: He likes flags. Interestingly, he is captain of the local pub’s pool team. This, he claims, is the very kind of leadership the BNP needs.

Supporters: It looks like the teenage nazi gang in National Action are getting behind Paul. No doubt they’ll be calling him ‘Patsy’. You would’ve thought he too would have made a video address to the party. Maybe he should get an IPhone from a certain shop in Rochdale like the rest of the bigwigs in the BNP. IPhones are good. I would like one.

Do Ask: “Did you leave anything on the cushion?”

Don’t Ask: “How many shots on the black?”