Job available…

Not a very good job, to be honest

Yes, it’s true. Kev Bryan has had to retire from leading the National Front, a lifetime’s ambition ruined by the crashing of his car into a bus in Rossendale a couple of months ago. The bus has since recovered.

Bryan is not the sort of bloke you would expect to find leading a party at the cutting edge of political life; Which is exactly why he led the National Front.

Previously Kevin had been in the British National Party (BNP) but there was some nonsense in a tent one year at one of their drunken, weekend brawls in the country and he found himself sent to the tiny National Front, one of Britain’s longest running hate groups- in disgrace.

Of all things, a Scotsman is in temporary charge of the party and he has been charged with seeing the NF through the busy time of year of festive engagements in pub brawls, arson, drug dealing, adultery, harassment, and of course, sumptuous buffets and other patriotic nonsense.

There are rumblings already down in England that this is some sort of Barnet Formula nonsense, so one need not panic that the head of our oldest surviving nazi party is being moved north of the border.

Applications are hardly pouring in, but we have drawn up a short list of candidates for the job:

Richard Edmonds: One of the founding members of the BNP, Richard has been back in Britain a few years now after running off to Russia after watching the BNP go down the pan. Richard’s pedigree for the top job is excellent. Before helping found the BNP he was an NF organiser in south London in the 1970’s and one of his greatest accomplishments was the organising of the 1977 NF march in Lewisham that turned into a bloody riot. He is quite aged now and I was a little surprised to see last weekend that he still could not recite the Lord’s Prayer without referring to notes. The reason for this, for those who do not know, is that Jesus is Lord and a Jew and Richard hates Jews.

Richard Edmonds:

Other than that, he always addresses women as ‘Madam’ is kind to animals, and believes the Holocaust is a lie dreamed up by Jews. Richard likes to relax in the evenings by listening to German operas and reading the obituaries in the Jewish Chronicle.

Eddy Morrison: It would be funny if he did get the job. He’s formed and folded hundreds of nazi parties of his own over the years.

Morrison: White man, white lightning etc

Within an hour of Eddy getting the top job, he’d be down some supermarket somewhere buying German beer and Belgium cider and the white revolution would be on hold until such a time Kevin Watmough turned up to try and drown him in a bath again.

Kevin Watmough: Nothing should stop Kevin applying for the top job. He used to run his own party years ago, then his members got raided by the police for child pornography. Has recently moved in to a nice new house with substandard brick work and hung an England flag from the roof. Quite clearly a warning message for any Scotsman who wanted to take the job…

Watmough: Looking this tough takes time

Chris Jackson: Articulate, humorous, probably the most presentable person the NF have had in the last twenty years. Another ex-BNPer, this Burnley lad was once the North West regional organiser for the BNP. He has so much more talent than all of the others, he’s got bugger all chance of getting the job.

Jackson: Too good for the job

Paul Prodromou: Before announcing his retirement, Kev Bryan spent a little time with Prodromou earlier this month. They even shared a venue for one SEA meeting and one NF meeting. Prodromou is desperate to be seen as a great leader, but he’s an outside bet. His group South East Alliance is tiny, and Prodromou not the world’s greatest organiser. One of the things he would be likely to propose would be the changing of the party’s name to ‘National Facking’ Front’. He is a potty mouth.

Prodromous: England for the ‘facking’ English

Kevin McMahon: Now, I’m not going to speak out of turn here, but Kevin and his wife Debbie recently had a bit of a bash at their house where Kev was talking about what he would do if he was the leader of the National Front. It didn’t bode well for Daz Lumb. That’s all I’m going to say, particularly as he thought they had all kissed and made up after the mess Lumb made at their house. (Apparently it was like a scene from Trainspotting). Kev and Debbie have never forgiven the party leader (or Lumb) for chastising them over doing no work during the party’s General Election campaign.

McMahon: Serious contender

Dave McDonald: Deputy Leader of the National Front and currently caretaker boss.

McDonald: Not likely..