That road turns out to be the M55 as nutty Nazis set off to put the white in Blackpool.
There’s no better way to spend the New Year than meeting up with a few friends from yesteryear for a bit of a chinwag.
If you’re a British nazi, yesteryear is often today and tomorrow and most likely, forever. You’re stuck there. It doesn’t move. You probably do not even want it to.
So later this month, in Blackpool, a few ‘old faces’ from the far right are getting together to thrash out the future. It will be about as dynamic as the time John Tyndall let Keith Axon off the lead in what he mildly described as “sin city”, yes Amsterdam.
Still, I digress. It’s more than just a chinwag, it’s positively a conference, you know. It’s called ‘The Road Ahead’ and – here I’d better be careful – almost all of those attending are already in front of the beak, as it were.
And there will be music. A Holocaust denier with a guitar, to be more accurate (Jews will most definitely not be welcome at this one).
To sell the £10 tickets to the event, Boadicea Events (run by another British National Party reject from Burnley) has really gone to town in selling Blackpool as the must-visit place this year. For a start it has “cheap accommodation” and the grotty venue they are using has, among other things, “facilities”.
So, for your 10 quid, what can one expect? The line-up is an extraordinary collection of nearly-men, perennially unemployed layabouts, a porn film producer and a fake reverend.
The best thing about the ‘Reverend’ is that he is not even pretending to be a Christian Reverend. No, it’s James Mac. A once-close friend of the naughty, nutty neo-Nazi National Action, he’s actually a disciple of the American Nazi cult, the Church of the Creator (or some bizarre off-shoot of it, anyway.)
The Church of the Creator was started by a paedophile to entice young boys to wear shorts and run around in front of him, a few decades ago. Its bible is the ‘White Man’s Bible’ and any layabout, like James, can call themselves a Reverend. It’s good work.
So, here’s the line up for a weekend of frolics in fascist forums with dubious Jew-hating, guitar playing types.
Mike Whitby: Whitby is the leader of small-time Nazi group ‘British Voice’. Except he is not. The BNP offshoot booted him out when money went missing a few years ago and like said money, he is refusing to give the name back.
Whitby is also famous for once stating his home address for electoral purposes was a pigeon coup. I doubt he’ll be entrusted with the collection money.
Jeremy ‘Jez’ Turner: Some say he works for the security services as well as for The London Forum. He doesn’t. He stacks boxes for a living and writes begging letters on behalf of crappy Nazi poets. He also attends every known function where he can speak. Whether he is invited or not. It’s what Hitler would’ve wanted for him, probably.
Stephen Frost: ‘Mr Kellogg’s’ is the leader of what is left of the British Movement.
For years and years he has tried to keep his face hidden from view. This is probably in part due to the absolutely dreadful biography he wrote of the unlamented founder and former leader of the ‘BM’, Colin Jordan. It was awful. Not mentioning Jordan nicking the red knickers was the final straw. For me, and the other eight people who bought it.
Anyway above left is a picture he has tried to stop being released in case he loses his job while secretly running a gang of Jew-hating Nazis. A very small gang, it has to be said. He has a habit of telling meetings he is actually a lot smarter than he looks or sounds. He’s not.
Reverend James Mac: Him from the weird splinter from the weird church.
Ian Kitchen: Talk about a blast from the past. Ian Kitchen is perhaps best known, or most notorious, for his marriage to internet porn star Linda Kitchen.
Kitchen used to sell videos of their home made porn films to other BNP members.
Linda’s stage name was ‘Granny Slut’ and all of their handmade films revolved around Linda getting some random blokes off the street to help her clean the house.
Anyway, I dare not hyperlink in case you end up watching one of the films. The absolutely most annoying thing about the whole sorry, sordid, scenario is that no matter how many times she got the cleaners around, the house was always filthy.
Ian was last seen trailing behind the BNP leadership in Belfast a few years ago when they had to answer questions about a kidnapping. Heaven knows what Ian has to tell conference he’s been up to.
Tony Braithwaite: Wow, there’s a name you probably have not heard in a long time. Or ever!
Shit Shakin’ Stevens impersonator Braithwaite has been in just about every Nazi group known to ever set up in Yorkshire. And then he leaves or gets kicked out.
Whether he has actually ever left Yorkshire (except for the time they moved Hull to Humberside) is a mystery. He’ll talk about the green door and this old house but not about why he is no longer flavour of the month in the National Front.
It’s ok, Tony. A lot of people have done it. Apparently.