Patriotic Allotment Appoints Turnip

Facebook decided last week to finally put former British National Party (BNP) bad boy Mark Collett out of everyone’s misery and remove him and his party, lovingly retitled ‘Patriotic Allotment’, from social media. Instagram followed suit.

Collett was understandably outraged; he’d used the fair pages of Facebook to enlighten us about his obvious genius and the many wonderful things that have driven his petty hatreds over the years.

Collett: Is this the end of the buff updates?

Who could forget the time (after his girlfriend dumped him) that he settled down for a quiet night of pornography and managed to uncover a Jewish conspiracy instead (probably something about the willies).

Despite managing magnificent headlines for themselves, things are still not particularly pristine, Prussian and perfect for Patriotic Allotment. Only a fortnight ago their application to the Electoral Commission to register as a political party faltered because it was incomplete. If I knew how to do one of those Hitler videos from the Berlin bunker I surely would. Probably.

Despite Collett’s grand plan to build a respectable and formidable party, like most things that involve Nazis, there was the usual allegations about unpleasant behaviour at their launch conference last year. As well as (allegedly) too many “touchy” males, there was a severe case of Holocaust deniers denying they had to behave and also being asked to leave.

Telephone Tantrums

Collett’s new party has certainly adopted many old BNP habits and the minute there is a fallout in the allotment it doesn’t take long for our phones to start ringing with enraged Nazis offering us all kinds of information about their racial brethren.

There’s been no less than nineteen different phone calls in ten months alleging Alison Chabloz is sharing a home with chain-smoking cockalorum, Colin Robertson. We have the impression somebody inside PA is desperately trying to cause problems for another wing or faction. We obviously approve of such behaviour.

No more toilet roll traumas for Chabloz, hopefully

Eventually we despatched our top person to do a stakeout on the property in question. All he managed to get was a handful of blurry pictures. He is a disgrace and has now been relegated to photographing former National Front leaders slipping in the street on their way home from the off license.

What probably convinced Facebook, finally, that Patriotic Allotment (PA) was just another vile Nazi party was the announcement at the beginning of the year that James Goddard was the new regional organiser for the party in the North West.

Appointing Goddard, a convicted stalker and certified wally, just about proved beyond all doubt that Collett and party had somewhat run aground in the hunt for the Übermensch and had settled instead for a lager lout with a small vocabulary and propensity for begging. I imagine the folks at Facebook shouted “full house” when they saw that one.

Goddard: The final insult to Facebook?

Goddard’s appointment has not gone down too well with some in PA. Britain First are also none-too happy about it. Goddard has never quite recovered being dumped by BF leader Paul Golding’s current squeeze and has spent the best part of two years making Paul Golding squirm that he dated her first. You know, the sort of stuff teenagers used to do even before social media. Whether this will affect the business arrangement the two leaders’ (Golding and Collett) have is anybody’s guess. Maybe Golding will keep his lucre squirreled away in his Wells Fargo bank accounts instead of paying Collett for his design work. Not to be outdone in the merry-go-round, Britain First types have taken to sending us pictures of Goddard’s current squeeze going about her business.

Movement in British Movement?

Pont positions himself above beefcake Benny

The best thing (I imagine) about being a member of long running and often irrelevant Nazi hate group British Movement (BM), is how non-taxing membership must be. But now it seems some have grown tired of being locked down during a lockdown and there are quite substantive rumours that some of their members have given up waiting for leader Steve Frost to pop his clogs or step aside. The BM rarely makes public outings- the last known one was for the disastrous Dover riots in 2016. The group’s leader guard, Mark ‘Benny’ Bullman did have himself an outing last year in Nottingham but did so under the guise of his Nazi rock band ‘Whitelaw’ with National Front wally and beefcake Jordan Pont joining him for the day.

Frost: Frozen Out?

Some in the BM have (finally) caught up with social media to spread their vicious stupidity and nastiness and as a result Frost has been frozen out as the party’s few members move into the twenty first century. Frost was last heard at home banging away on a typewriter his latest ode to the 1930’s.

Some are suggesting disaffected BM members move to the National Front to fill the void of living members in that organisation, but the sheer banality of the NF’s zoom calls would even bore the dead at the moment. Anyway, moves are afoot and the results will not be pretty.

Anna Maria’s Driving License Returned

The un-Anglicised driving permit

Anne Marie Waters (Anna Maria, to give her her proper and real name) was careless last week and dropped her driving license and oyster card in Hartlepool. The the ensuing search and find was most enlightening- least of all about how her fellow residents feel about her. We’re just glad she appears to have her driving license back.